This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help