then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
