yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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