Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
