I only kidnapped one of them. chill
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
