Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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