I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
