This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Randomize
