A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
