...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
