well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I can't turn off my feet"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
