Can i not drive my cunt home
Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
