You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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