I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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