And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
