I am midnight drunk by noon
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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