I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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