dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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