It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
