She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
