the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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