YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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