nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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