The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
