After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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