dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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