Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
