When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
