My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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