Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
