how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
