I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
