I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
