He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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