ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
