Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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