He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
