hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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