I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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