my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
