i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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