just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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