Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
