dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
