Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
it's like iHOP with fire
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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