Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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