im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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