turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
