you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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