i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you would pick up someone in the library
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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