Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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