Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
