Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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